The Truth of integrity and Honesty

So there I was in that moment, I had a choice, to be honorable or to not be. As I wrote those words I had a certain story in mind, then all at once a flood of stories came to mind. Which one do I tell? The one where I failed or when I triumphed? Do I tell the one when I was true to my wife or when I had stolen something from someone? Do I tell when I found a bunch of money and gave it back or when I took a dollar out of someone’s car?

I have found just how important integrity and honesty are in our lives. Not just to those who are watching us, but to ourselves.

Definition:

the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

You see you can make or break a relationship with someone and with yourself by how you handle a moment in time. If someone sees me being dishonest, treating someone poorly or talking behind someone’s back, this will have a direct impact on their relationship with me. It will also have an impact on others who have viewed these actions. On the flip side, in that quiet time alone or when I look at myself in the mirror, I may now remember what I did or what I said. It will now game an effect on how I see myself.

It may seem like no big deal at the time and as you do more dishonest things, as you treat more and more people poorly it will get easier. I know this from experience. Until one day you look around and no one trusts you, believes you or wants to be around you. Then comes those mirror moments, when you can’t even look yourself in the eye. It becomes a wake up call, well hopefully it does. If not there may just be a bit a of narcissism there.

When I had awakened to the fact of what I had become and what I had done, I was in my first year of working on my sobriety. You see being sober is more than just not using, it is learning to love the person you are, not who you were. It is putting the old you behind you and stepping back into who you are supposed to be. This is where it begins, with you! The truth be told though, you don’t have to be or have been an addict to lack in integrity. You also could have been clean for years to fall back into or never have left that mindset.

To me integrity is putting first a value on how you treat others and yourself. Second is acting in accordance to those values in every moment of your life. When I did this, it changed the atmosphere around me, it changed my personal world. Somethings changed quickly, some slowly, but it did change. Once my relationship with myself became valued, so did my other relationships. Some mended seemingly overnight, others took years and some never did. All of this is perfect, right along with a Gods plan.

Just remember this, integrity and honesty are choices, but the results are not. If you choose to jump across that line, you can have no explanation of the results. No one has to understand why you did it, there will be no excuse good enough. Eventually, you will not even be able to explain it away to yourself. It is not easy, we all slip along the way, but once you start choosing wisely and you see results, it becomes the right choice!

I believe we can all change, I have seen it in myself and in others around me. It is a beautiful thing to see people step back into that mindset. It is so warming to see people value themselves and others. As a leader in a recovery group, I get the honor of seeing this often. It is amazing when you see it happen right before your eyes. It is a gift that keeps on giving, it is such a blessing to watch Jesus do His work.

Reflection

As we enter into this new decade, I attempted to look back on how it began. I tried to remember what it looked like in 2010. I tried to see what my mindset was like and where I was at. I tried to find pictures, maybe something I wrote down or a letter to myself. Nothing, not one thing showed up. The truth is, I couldn’t because I was not even a year clean and sober. Nothing was making sense, I was still in a fear based mindset and was hanging on by the seat of my pants. I am certain of this, I was dug in, meaning I had my head down, not looking anyone in the face. I was most likely keeping my distance from everything and everyone I had spent the past twenty five years with. I was on probation, I was going to AA and was not sure if any of this was for me.

I can’t see any of this clearly, I can’t truly reflect on it because of where and what I walk in today, freedom!

“Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

‭‭John‬ ‭8:34-36‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Yes I was a slave, my mindset was still so clouded that I knew nothing of being free. I had nothing to set a foundation on. But somewhere in the middle of this decade, along came Jesus. He showed up or the truth be told, I let Him in! I gave in to the stubbornness that lived in my head and let He who lived in my heart awaken! Immediately I saw and felt things differently! As I cleared my mind of all that I was, as I put the old me to rest, I stepped into who He said I am…

“So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:16-19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Yes, I am a new creation! In this newness, I became free indeed! The old is covered by the blood, so much so, that I can’t even see it! What a gift that is! Yes explanation points rule those sentences, because that is exciting news, it is important, it is truth!

I have been asked, what is different from your sobriety before Jesus, then your sobriety after you awakened to Him being in you? It is simple in a complex sort of way… complex in that I made it that way at first. I felt like I had to strive, had to do or be something in order to be “saved”. The truth is that it is far different than that. I just need to rest in the Father. That is believe that He is there for me. Believe that no matter what happens, His intentions towards me are good. Believe that no matter who I was He still loves and will always love me!

What happened to me as this grew inside me is an amazing story. Those things I use to strive for, I use to try work hard for, became easy and natural. The way I use to try to control my surroundings became not necessary. I was able to just be! I look to Him, just as Jesus did.

“Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.”

‭‭John‬ ‭5:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:10‬ ‭NIV

The blue print was walked out before us, all we need to do is follow it. What happened to me is not new. What happened to me has been happening decades before my past decade. Real people have found freedom through something so much greater than ourselves. They walk naturally in Him, with understanding of what it looks like to love one another. I don’t have to work hard today to be like He that walked before me. I am not perfect, but I am perfect in Him. Just like Jesus, I am an example of what the Father is doing. Integrity, honesty, truth and love. These rule my life, not because someone told me I have to, but because it is what He did, what He does. It becomes natural if you let Him be your guide, you then become His example.

It is an honor to walk out a God’s vision for me. It is a gift to be a son of The Most High. Let us not take it for granted or be self righteous in these things. Let us walk this out together in an understanding of what Jesus did for us and has shown us. Be a new creation, be an example, love one another, rest in Him and just be…

The Mountain

I stood at the bottom, looking up at its steep face. It seem to snarl at me, it’s teeth looked sharp like razors. It’s eyes stared down at me at first, then it looked away as if to say, you are too weak and I am so strong. I stared back, looking for my path up. I looked side to side, looking for my way around. Going around seemed long and exhausting. Going up the face looked dangerous and scary. I thought, what should I do? I don’t have the energy, I don’t have the strength…

I felt defeated, yet I hadn’t done anything yet. I felt alone, yet I sought no ones help. I dropped to my knees and I said, “Lord help me, I can’t do this”.

“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭17:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I then raised up my hands, look straight into the face of the mountain and said “Hey you! Yes you, do you know who I am? I am a child of the most high! I am a son of God and He said that I have already won! That you were defeated before I even got here! Now get out of my way, I have things He needs me to do!”

The mountain trembled, it shook violently and began to crumble. I giant dust cloud lifted up and as it settled all I saw left there was a pile of rocks and straight through the middle was a path, my path He made just for me! I stood up and followed the path and on the other side, I found gratitude and thanksgiving. I also found my strength in Him and in myself!

Know who you are today and remember that everyday! Nothing is too mighty to Him, nothing is too small. He is there to help, He helped me and helps me every day. All I do is ask, all I do is stand in victory and I stand in faith that He will be there! He always is and I know He always will be!

Thank you Father, you are a good Daddy!

Are you tired? So set yourself free!

It sounds simple, because the truth be told, it can be. I suffered an addictive life and life style for years. I drank and did drugs to mask the pain I was in. I used sex for its euphoric properties, to have false pleasure and fake happiness. I did it for lust, not love. I walked in misery and had no clue what joy looked like.

I grew up in a tough situation, things happened and as I grew up, I found no way to deal with them. I had a part in it, I didn’t tell anyone what happened, how I felt or how it was affecting in the moment. By the time I reached my teenage years I was a mess, I had bottled up the pain so long that I began to think this agony was normal and everyone felt this way. I saw other people around me drinking and the effects alcohol had on them, the way they laugh and the confidence that seemed to follow along with it. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I needed! So the false identity started. As my drinking career evolved I found that it wasn’t enough, I was again looked at how others dealt with life, how they found happiness… drugs.

I began smoking marijuana at eighteen, after three years of drinking, it was quite the game changer. It relaxed me, clouded my thoughts and allowed me to mask the pain in a whole new way. I could do it all the time, anytime and function on it. No hangover or vomiting, what a gift. Nope not really, what came with it was, isolation and loss of emotions. I smoked for twenty five years, it took a toll, I will get back to that. I soon graduated to cocaine and hallucinogenics, you want to talk about escaping, yep they did it, confidence on cocaine was off the charts! It was quite the ride for a while, I had several bad acid trips and many nights without sleep. I even took so many magic mushrooms that I got strychnine poisoning, that was smart. While using and selling “coke” I almost got shot, arrested and felt my heart go to its breaking point. I was having all kinds of fun! All of the that finally lead me to stop using cocaine and other harder drugs but my best friend alcohol and his buddy marijuana stayed with me. Like I said to twenty five years they kept my numb to my pain or did they?

The answer to that question is no! I spent the last several years of my using career in a severe state of depression. I hated me, my life and all that it was. I had nothing, no one who was real, who cared, outside of my family, but I believe they were even getting tired of me. After all I was a blob, untrustworthy, no accountability and unreliable. Towards the end I thought about suicide daily. I use to lay in bed and pray for God to take me in my sleep, I was tired, finished, I could not hide from the pain anymore.

One day I drove out to a woods that was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen, well in Michigan. It was a rolling ridge full of oak and maple trees, full of wildlife. I went there to die! I had half a joint, a shotgun and nothing to live for, so I thought. As I smoked that joint, I prayed for God to help me. Not to live, but to pull the trigger. You see I had held that gun many times but never had the courage to pull the trigger. Not that I was religious or spiritual, it was just something I asked for in desperation. Well , He didn’t answer that prayer. Instead, I got a phone call, that stopped it all. I ended up walking out of the woods and driving home. A week or so later, God helped me, in His way. I got arrested for driving under the influence. I was fined, heavily. I was given probation and made to go to AA meetings. It pulled me down to nothing, I was broke, being held accountable through drug and alcohol screenings and through the guys at AA. Life changing!

I spent 6 years going to meetings, well sometimes off and on, but I was always in contact with sober people and I remained sober because of them. Most of all because of Him, my God. I didn’t know that yet, not to the extent I know now, but He was always there. One day my sponsor told me I should go to a spiritual retreat with him, that I needed more in my life. “More what”? I thought. After a couple of weeks of consistent badgering, I agreed. Well, he was right! I got more, more than I could have ever expected, dreamed of or prayed for. But had I prayed for it? “God help me”

““Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:7‬ ‭NRSV‬‬

The term game changer never meant more than what this retreat did for me. I found more love, more God and met the woman of my dreams, who is now my wife. (that’s a story in itself). Like I said game changer.

While dating, my wife asked me to come to church with her. “Church”? Like many others I had been damaged by church, I had been influenced by some misguided people, so I feared “church”. I feared religion. It caused me to not believe in Jesus, I was sure there was a God or higher influence, but Jesus… nope. When she saw my reaction, she promptly said “come to my church, it’s different and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to go back”. Oh, the influence of love, how it can make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. So I agreed… reluctantly.

When that morning came, fear and anxiety were all over me! I could not believe that I was going to church, that I had been “talked into “ doing something I was so against. When we arrived, I remember the giant sigh that left my lungs and exhaled out of my mouth. She actually laughed and told me I was fine and that I was going to be ok. Sure I was! We walked in and something was different, the kindness was not like my remembrance of the last time I was at “church”. We found our seats, I was so unexpectedly nervous, something was happening to me and I was confused, almost disoriented. The worship band started to play, we all stood and everyone started singing and praising. Me, I was trying to figure out this feeling, why I was sweating and then getting the chills. About half way through the first song, I got this overwhelming feeling, a presence like nothing I ever known. It was if someone took my hand and was leading me down a beautiful path. I thought I was losing my mind! All at once my past, everything I had been, everything I had done started flashing through my mind, I began to sob uncontrollably. Then in a blink, the shame, guilt and pain of what I had been, what I thought I was, it lifted! This presence, this feeling, it was Jesus! Everything that I had ever thought or felt about His existence changed! The way I felt about myself, changed! I felt His love for me, I felt His guiding hand, I felt His cleansing of my past, my soul and of what I had been! He was real and was standing right there with me! WOW! The band played a couple of more songs and He just hung out there, no great words spoken, no fireworks or light shining on me, just Him and I, enjoying the moment. Sounds crazy even to me as I write it, but it is factual and is real. As the morning continued, the Pastor gave an alter call and I gave my life to Jesus! What a glorious day! The Pastors message that day seemed like it was meant just for me, I thought he was even looking at me the whole time. Today I know he wasn’t, but it was what I needed and God knew it.

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

All of that lead me to where I am today, as the verse says, a new creation. The old is gone and the new has come. I was so tired of feeling the way I was, so tired, even after being sober and clean for over six years. It wasn’t until I gave myself away, surrender to Jesus that my life really changed. I still had codependency issues, lustful thoughts, lying and trust issues. I still struggled with wanting everything my way and the inability to see things objectively. I still had obsession issues, over alcohol, drugs and the euphoric feeling of sex, with anyone. Six years of sobriety and things were still hard at times. In a moment, things changed, it was a leap into faith that set me free. I took many steps along my journey, but that leap… freedom!

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
‭‭John‬ ‭8:36‬ ‭NIV‬‬

That is what happened, the Son set me free! Was it a snap of the fingers to get to where I am, nope, not at all. I can tell you this though, that leap was the important part. If I had not given it to Him, I would still be the same old me, doing the same things and not finding to true joy that only the Lord can provide. Just like all things we do, you have to grow into who you are meant to be, in Christ. The difference with this membership is you become a member first, then you learn how to grow. In the world you have to learn how to be a member before they give you your card or diploma. I am beyond grateful to a God who pursued me, who wanted me, even when I spoke out against Him. He wanted me to join, so much so He orchestrated a chain of events to bring me to Him. Now that’s what love looks like! That’s who He is a loving Father, unconditionally! I stand in great company, with high favor today, because of a God who found me worthy enough to save! Not to bad for an addict, alcoholic, devil music listening to, nonbeliever.

That leads me back to, are you tired? Do you want to be set free?

JESUS… is the answer!

“Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again. ””
‭‭John‬ ‭3:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

There is hope! There is a life out there full of joy and happiness! I found it or maybe it found me, either way it exists! I am not religious, I don’t believe that you have to follow a bunch of rules and regulations to go to Heaven. I believe that salvation is given to you by believing in what Jesus did for us. But if you want true joy, true happiness that comes with having a relationship with the Heavenly Father, its what He wants too! It can happen, I live it today, it’s a fee and a love far beyond our understanding, I am thankful of it and grateful for it.

““Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then, free of fault, you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor. But the eyes of the wicked will fail, and escape will elude them; their hope will become a dying gasp.””
‭‭Job‬ ‭11:13-20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I believe with all I am this to be true, not because someone else told me, but because it is my life!

“For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.””
‭‭John‬ ‭6:40‬ ‭NIV‬‬